She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
