omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
