NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
