question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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