We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
