my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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