i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I just threw up on my dentist
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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