I'm so fucking centered right now
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize