You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
