So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize