I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
