Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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