and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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