Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
