Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
