He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
