I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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