I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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