why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
