"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
