He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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