He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
So much Jack, so little girl.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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