what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
