Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
