My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
