My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
