Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
