I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize