Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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