1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
