Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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