so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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