Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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