Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I'm really busy with my period
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