He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
