remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
What drink are we having for lunch?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
