Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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