Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
