I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Randomize
