twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
