I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
