As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
There's always time for handjobs
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
