I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
