I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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