You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
