i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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