I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
So many bounce houses so little time
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
