well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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