Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
