I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
