I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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