Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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