Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
