just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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