so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
he laminated a picture of his dick.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
