I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize