I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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