After last night, I could never be a politician.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
are you so shy because you have an std?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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