I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize
