My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize