Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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