Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
