I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
